A love letter that has been long over due

​It is often easier to write when in any kind of anguish or pain. It is easier to write, lamenting heartache and rejection. But when it comes down to writing about things that make you happy and content or people who bring joy and love in to your life, words don’t appear. 

How do you express gratitude for someone who makes you feel loved every single moment of everyday? 

How do you tell them how much their love and their patience means to you? How do you write and tell them what it means to be looked after and know that they are watching out for you. 

You cannot put it in words, for words cannot capture the deepest of emotions they make you feel. 

Love! Love is such a difficult word to describe when you are happy. Love is an impossible emotion to describe when you feel it is reciprocated in ways you thought it should and much more. 

It is at those moments you go back to things you have written dealing with heartbreak or rejection and you laugh at how stupid you were to think that was love.

So today I write my first love letter to you or maybe it is the second or the third. I cannot keep a count because no number of words and pages and can capture the emotions I feel for you.

You are the one. You are the one who I have been knowingly and unknowingly waiting for. You are the one with whom everyday seems like a new day and each evening holds a new promise.

You are the one that makes me question myself for all the wrong decisions and makes me want to change myself for the better. You make me dream but dream not manically. You make me look at life from a whole new perspective, a sense of joy for what the future could hold.

I know a person like me doesn’t deserve even half of what you have to offer and there will never be a way to pay you back for all that I owe you.

Let me tell you the biggest thing you have done for me. And for that alone, I am indebted to you for life - You have given me strength to let go of what I needed to the most, my relationship or the ghost of what could or should have been my relationship with my father.

You gave me the strength to know it was ok to step out into an unknown territory and be comfortable with that space. To have a life where my father, even with his distant presence, doesn’t exist – it was unimaginable.

It was the anger and grief of the failure of that relationship that has oft consumed me and fueled me. And now I find no place for it in my life, because I have you. You fill me up with such joy that I feel no place for anger or hatred. I just cannot find place for it.

I know you must be auto correcting my sentences and language as you read this, but I write here as I think. Not caring if it doesn’t make any sense or if the English is all over the place.

You make me want to do things, take risks. Feel emotions, like never before. You make me want to dance every day. You are reason why I smile every morning. You are the person who I am the most scared of ever leaving me.

Because if you do, I wouldn’t die, I wouldn’t vanish, or evaporate or any of that, I would just lose hope. And, I would lose any respect that I may have for myself, for losing you would be equal to losing the biggest opportunity of happiness and contentment life had to offer me.

And if you leave, I know it would be because I have failed and it would this failure that would finish me. It would be this failure in retaining the best that could have happened to me, forever, that would be the end of me.

Thank you for loving me or at least trying to. Thank you for taking out time for me. Thank you.

I will be eternally grateful to you for loving me even if it was for a single moment in that single day.

You are more precious than you may think. You are the reason why I feel I can get through every day as bad as it may seem.

Thank you for loving me.

I just want you to know - I love you.