Interesting Thought

The moment you are aware that you are happy, you cease to be happy. You want to be consciously happy: the moment you are consciously happy, happiness is gone." -Jiddu Krishnamurti

Kavita's Dead

July 23, 2007 - To say she was just my employer or may be just a friend would be incorrect. She was a friend and yet my boss, she was my boss and yet more than just a friend. She loved me like a mother would, cared for me like a friend would and yet there were times when she treated me like a boss would.

She promised me she wouldn’t leave me like the others had and she did not. KJ left me like I least expected. She left me through death.

My heart tells me this is all untrue, that this hasn’t happened, yet mind refuses to believe so.

She is gone, Kavita Jain my boss, KJ my friend, and Kavita my surrogate mother, leaving me with nothing but innumerable memories… with a void like no other.

Will I ever feel the same, I don’t think so… will life ever look the same, I am unsure… will I ever get to see those twinkling eyes or hear that hearty laughter, I am unsure, for she will never return.

I used to call KJ my ‘my back’; the one who would always be around to help me out of a tight spot, and now she is gone, gone forever. There is no Kavita there… it cannot be true, but it is.

I feel so lost, so lost – like a child lost in a carnival, unable to see one familiar face in a sea of faces… I try to breath, but it is too painful a thing to do, for there is no Kavita and it is thought that refuses to leave me even for a second.

To think that I shall never share my glee or joy with her again or let her words of humour and wisdom wash over the sorrow of my life… it all seems impossible and implausible.

Even though it all seems impossible without you Kavita, yet I know I will have to carry on, for you will kill me, when I meet you up there. I will miss you everyday KJ, each day you shall be remembered by this ‘Flunky no. 1’ of yours. You shall forever be alive in my heart.

For you were, are and will forever be my friend, philosopher and guide.

Ode to my infected uterus

You pain like hell,
You've swollen my tummy like an inverted well,
Coz of you I am breathless
And,
I cannot walk or talk.
I lie in bed thinking when will this pain end,
And if it will not, what should I do....
May be the time has come for me to remove you.

What is the solution for me,
May be only a Hysterrectomy!!!!!

The Void

There is this void within that dosent seem to get filled. nothin or no one seems to be able to fill up this void.

this constant emptiness... this loneliness...

no one can fill it up or may be someone can! either ways its just very irritating i'd say and im sick of it....

She's Dying

My aunt is dying and there isn't anything we can do... she refuses to accept that the cancer is beyond much repair.

She might not be my aunt by blood but she has been nothin less than a aunt and probably more than dat to me...

i dont know wat to do or say... but i know i not of anything that i can do.... i will miss her everyday... but the only thing that i pray for is that wen she goes, she goes as painlessly as possible and at peace....

i dont know how to handle my mother... she is breaking for she cant see Aunt M go this way. Mum's other fear is that i might too die of cancer for i too smoke like Aunt M... i want to quit for my mum's sake and i am unable too for i ...

What does one do? Life and its surprises are beyond our understanding... i dont ask God 'why her', for there must be some reason why he chose her and thank God it isnt someone else who has no one to call their own and or feel loved... i dont even know what i am saying but i know this much i cannot fathom why such little time is left for her to be around...

i will miss her...