“She learnt a long time back that as hard as you might try
and fit in, if you are not meant to, you never will.
How will you fit into a place where you don’t understand the
people? Fitting into a world that does not understand simple acts of kindness
or nicety and only view it as an attempt to impress or gain some extra favours.
She often sat and wondered if the world was really that
stupid or was it just so self absorbed that if you did not confirm t its
standard of thinking or were different there was no place for you.
She never really fit in anywhere. She never belonged here.
She was forever lonely, more often than not misunderstood and used. No one
remembered her in moments of joy but only in moments of sadness as the one
shoulder always there.
Probably the thing that was killing Zoya all along more was
not the cigarettes, the coffee or the excessive alcohol, but the immense
feeling of loneliness and not being understood… Having no one who would take
out a minute to look into her eyes and see the longing to be wanted for more
than the shoulder for support.
Old and new friendships, family, and colleagues - no one
knew her. All they knew about her was she was always there but no one ever knew
how to be there for her. Somehow they never really understood what she needed,
more often than not a simple hug.
Flipping through the pages of her life, I realize that the
rust of loneliness was slowly damaging the core of her soul and soon it had
hollowed her existence and eventually killed her over the 30 odd years of her
life.
That void consumed her and saddens me more now when I go one
further thru the pages of Zoya’s life.
I wish I had known her more while she was alive; I might
have been able to help her know that while it was alright to be alone
sometimes, there were some who did want to understand her more.
But I never mustered the courage and may be I never actually
understood her while she was alive. After all too am a part of this cruel
unkind world!
May be if I had reached out a little earlier, I might have
saved a life…”
