It is often easier to write when in any
kind of anguish or pain. It is easier to write, lamenting heartache and
rejection. But when it comes down to writing about things that make you happy
and content or people who bring joy and love in to your life, words don’t
appear.
How do you
express gratitude for someone who makes you feel loved every single moment of everyday?
How do you
tell them how much their love and their patience means to you? How do you write
and tell them what it means to be looked after and
know that they are watching out for you.
You cannot
put it in words, for words cannot capture the deepest of emotions they make you
feel.
Love! Love
is such a difficult word to describe when you are happy. Love is an impossible
emotion to describe when you feel it is reciprocated in ways you thought it
should and much more.
It is at
those moments you go back to things you have written dealing with heartbreak or
rejection and you laugh at how stupid you were to think that was love.
So today I
write my first love letter to you or maybe it is the second or the third. I
cannot keep a count because no number of words and pages and can capture the
emotions I feel for you.
You are the
one. You are the one who I have been knowingly and unknowingly waiting for. You
are the one with whom everyday seems like a new day and each evening holds a
new promise.
You are the
one that makes me question myself for all the wrong decisions and makes me want
to change myself for the better. You make me dream but dream not manically. You
make me look at life from a whole new perspective, a sense of joy for what the
future could hold.
I know a
person like me doesn’t deserve even half of what you have to offer and there
will never be a way to pay you back for all that I owe you.
Let me tell
you the biggest thing you have done for me. And for that alone, I am indebted
to you for life - You have given me strength to let go of what I needed to the
most, my relationship or the ghost of what could or should have been my
relationship with my father.
You gave me
the strength to know it was ok to step out into an unknown territory and be
comfortable with that space. To have a life where my father, even with his
distant presence, doesn’t exist – it was unimaginable.
It was the
anger and grief of the failure of that relationship that has oft consumed me
and fueled me. And now I find no place for it in my life, because I have you.
You fill me up with such joy that I feel no place for anger or hatred. I just
cannot find place for it.
I know you
must be auto correcting my sentences and language as you read this, but I write
here as I think. Not caring if it doesn’t make any sense or if the English is
all over the place.
You make me
want to do things, take risks. Feel emotions, like never before. You make me
want to dance every day. You are reason why I smile every morning. You are the
person who I am the most scared of ever leaving me.
Because if
you do, I wouldn’t die, I wouldn’t vanish, or evaporate or any of that, I would
just lose hope. And, I would lose any respect that I may have for myself, for
losing you would be equal to losing the biggest opportunity of happiness and
contentment life had to offer me.
And if you
leave, I know it would be because I have failed and it would this failure that
would finish me. It would be this failure in retaining the best that could have
happened to me, forever, that would be the end of me.
Thank you
for loving me or at least trying to. Thank you for taking out time for me.
Thank you.
I will be
eternally grateful to you for loving me even if it was for a single moment in
that single day.
You are more
precious than you may think. You are the reason why I feel I can get through every
day as bad as it may seem.
Thank you
for loving me.
I just want
you to know - I love you.
