Ever so often I pick up a pen and look for a paper, thinking may be today I will be able to write to you or may be, just about you.
And with each attempt I realize it isn’t possible for I sometimes feel I say too much and sometimes I feel I haven’t said enough. There is so much within me that I would like to say to you and yet the words never seem enough.
And, so I turn to the words of others to describe what I feel for you and even then their words seem incomplete, as if nothing and no else’s words except my own can describe what I feel. I know that this sounds crazy and incoherent.
So that is why today I attempt to write once again.
As clichéd as it may it sound, every waking moment I am thinking of you. You’re in my mind the whole time and not a moment goes by without you in my thoughts.
I have told you several times before and I shall say it again. I fell in love with you, the minute you walked in through that door. I knew I was gone, the minute I laid my eyes on you and it was your very eyes that captivated me from the second I saw you.
There’s this world hidden within them, a world I would love to be a part off!
While the day goes by with you in my head, the night is the toughest. It is then that I miss you the most. It is then that you not being here hits me hard.
Every second in bed, as I lie awake, I am in anguish, for all I think about is of how nice it would be to have you here with me, to hold you and smell your scent.
It would be paradise to fall off to sleep holding on to you, caressing your soft skin and feeling your sweet smelling breath next to me.
And then, I think of how nice it would be to wake up in the morning, find you still here, next to me and be able to watch you, sleep. How wonderful it would be feel to see your face when you could wake up, look at me and smile, just once in a while.
I would love it, if I could come back home everyday to the thought of coming to you. I would be happy if I could do my favourite things for you.
I would love to spend a lazy day at home with you, lazing around the house, serving you hand and foot like royalty... lying in bed watching television with my nose buried in your hair, smelling your scent, that scent of yours which drives me insane. I would love to lie down with my head in your shoulder and just read, while you talk, do whatever you want to or sit silently.
I would love to wait for you when you want your space and wouldn’t want me around. I can just imagine myself fall off to sleep waiting for you and then wake up in the middle of the night and find you sleeping next to me.
It would be nice to know at the end of a day you would like to talk to me and tell me some of the things that go on in your mind.
As I spend more time with you, I realise how perfect to me you seem, not only because you are perfect, because you are everything I ever wanted and yet I know I cannot have you.
From that first evening that we met, I felt as if this is going to be someone who will be around in my life forever, in whatever way possible. As we meet and as we talk more, I realise how thankful I am to God to have sent you in my life.
You reaffirm my faith in innocence that might still exist in the world. You give me the hope that all is still not lost and there hope still. I never knew I had such a gentle side to me as I have with you around.
I had suspected that someone might just be able to bring out that dormant aspect of my personality someday which lies hidden under the years of heart break and inability to trust life and people.
You make me hopeful. You have made me into a romantic. You make me feel alive!
Each time I look at you, my heart skips a beat and my breath stops. I cannot breathe, for the joy of seeing you make the blood rush to my head. When I hug you for that brief second, your scent numbs my brain and my instinct is not to let go off you because that may be the only way you would stay.
Sometimes I feel I can write a book on all that that I feel for you. Your thought makes me smile and brings tears to my eyes - tears of joy. The joy of you coming into my life, the joy of smiling by the very thought of you, the joy of my heart stopping every time I think of you. Just the pure JOY you bring to my life and to me.
Every second of knowing you exist and are there in my life makes me thank the divine powers for your existence.
I look at your photographs and I cannot understand how someone could let go of you and look elsewhere, for I cannot stop looking at you. I would rather look at the real you around all the time, but I manage with the images of you that adorn my mind and heart - pictures of you smiling, laughing and of you sleeping next to me.
After the first night that you were alone with me here, the way I looked at my house has changed. It suddenly became lonely and it became empty without you.
There was something incomplete in my fortress. And, now all of a sudden I feel vulnerable, as if my soul lay bare to someone, that someone is you.
While it scares me, it makes me happy too.
When you are here, my house seems complete, it feels like a home and not just an apartment. You are that thing that has always been missing, leaving a sense of incompleteness in this haven of mine.
Ever so often, I imagine how you would be around the house and what you would do in which corner. I sit out on the balcony and stare at the stars and the moon and think of how much you might enjoy the view from here, with or without me.
Ever so often I imagine us out on the roof, sitting together in the quilt, sometimes talking and very often just sitting together in silence, not a spoken word to pierce through the silence, but the silence being our only voice and our only conversation.
There are times I feel I could write a thousand pages to express what I feel, but I know that even those thousand pages with a million words will not be able to say everything I feel. Because you make me feel so many things at the same time... so many wonderful things.
You flood my heart with emotions that I never knew I could feel and my mind with thought that I never knew I could think off.
You make me feel alive. You make me feel so good.
Every day I pray that one day you find someone who makes you feel everything that you make me feel. And you would then know, what a wonderful feeling it is to be in love with someone.
To enjoy just the pure blissful pleasure of being able to look at them and hear them talk, of hearing their breath next to you in the night and looking at them when you wake up.
The joy of feeling that there is this one person you are so in love with that the world pales out.
The joy of holding the hand of someone you want, even if it is for a few fleeting moments, like I have on those few occasions when I got to hold yours.
The joy of running your hands through the hair of that certain someone; just as I feel every time I get that chance.
The joy of just being able to kiss them, gently at first and then passionately; as if that may be last time you get to kiss them.
The joy that everything and anything that the person does or says makes you feel.
The joy of feeling wanted and the joy of wanting.
You bring pure, untainted Joy into my life and yet I know this joy is short lived, for you cannot be mine.
But, I want you to know that I am thankful that you came into my life. And, even though you can never be mine or be with me, you have given me something that will remain in me forever.
I will be thankful for all my life for the few moments of bliss, delight and Joy that you have made me feel. I will love you forever and till the end. I will wait for I have a hope that may be, just maybe you will come someday and not leave.
Even after writing over 1500 words and four pages, there is still so much within me that cannot be put into words. So I shall end this letter to you, my first and last love letter to you by saying just this much:
I want you to remember just one thing - I love you with all my heart and soul. And, that I will forever.
