Time

Something I wrote when I was 12 or 13, but it still feels so real... Sometimes I feel it captures all that I feel every time something memorable happens...

I wish I could,
But somehow I cannot,
I want it to last,
But each moment goes by so quickly.
Time, I wish u would stop,
Stay here with me,
So this moment could stay forever,
As long as I live.
But I know,
You wont stay,
'coz you got to go away,
But knowing this each day,
I still wish I could,
But somehow I cannot,
STOP you time,
For its time, Time you go away.

The flipside of singledom

Sometimes you stay up into the wee hours of the morning, all single and alone, enjoying the pleasures of silence or the freedom of doing what you like. Then you look at your watch and think to yourself “Wow! It is 2:30 am, got to go to work, so I better try and catch some sleep!”

You walk back into your room, switching off the T V, shutting off the lights and doing the whole routine of locking up etc. You get into bed, snuggling up in your quilt and Bam! The loneliness hits you hard.

It hits you that there isn’t anyone waiting for you in your bed except your pillow and that there wasn’t anyone to call out to you even once to say “Babe! Come and sleep now, It’s getting late and you have a long day ahead tomorrow.”

It hits you that when the first rays of sunlight hit your face in the morning, there is no one next to you in whose crook of the arm you can bury your face and feel the warmth. And, when the maid rings the doorbell, there isn’t anyone to argue with on who will get up to open the door.

It shatters your belief in the whole world of single-dom that there isn’t anyone hoping and wishing you have a good day and no one to come back home to, who will look at your face and jus say “Bad day, huh?” and then maybe, just may be give you a warm hug.

And, as you think of dinner, you realise that your life now lacks the simple pleasures of cooking for someone, or being cooked for or just cooking together and then fighting on who will lay teh table and who will clean up afterwards!

There isn’t anyone to argue and fight with on what to watch on T V or what movie to go for! There isn’t anyone to help you sort out the laundry and there isn’t anyone to curl up next to and read.

A tear rolls down your eyes as it strikes you, how you have no one to wake up next who will say something as simple as “Do we have to go to work today? Why don’t we just stay here curled up in bed and may be later uncurl a bit!” with a wink and a kiss.

You start to sob as you realise that there isn’t no one to wake you up sometimes with a cup of coffee or someone who remembers just how much you like your eggs sunny side up! And as you cry you realise that there is no one to wake up with on a Sunday and laze around the house with and no one to call you just once in a while in the middle of the day to tell you that they are missing you!

And, you start to weep as you understand that there isn’t anyone to whisper sweet nothings or someone who smile when they see you. There isn’t that someone you keep no secrets from and there isn’t going to be a simple short sms saying stupid things like ‘I love you’ or ‘I want you’ on your phone again!

You get up from your bed, wiping your tears and you find a piece of paper and a pen, writing all this down , your loneliness doesn’t go but you feel a little better. You get a little drowsy and you think “May be I should just try and sleep now!”

You put the paper aside, switching off the light, stubbing out the cigarette you hug your pillow to sleep, only to be woken up in a few hours by either the sunlight or the maid and then the feeling of loneliness hits you all over again!

Tara's Knight in a Shinning Coat - Dado Bhai

‘Tis has been a very odd year for many of u from what I have seen and what I hear. A lot has changed for most. And, alas one of the few things that made me feel at home in Tara too has changed. They say all good things must come to an end and one of the best of Tara, the era of my great valiant knight Dado Bhai too has finally come to an end.

Over the years many people have often asked me that how and why do I love Dado Bhai so much and if so, why did I not keep him at home! How could you not love him and his big brown eyes. If you knew him the way I did you wouldn’t ask me such a question, for he loved his freedom more than his food and to try and bind such a free spirit to the confines of a loving home would be to break its will.

If any one family or an individual would try and call him theirs or claim an ownership over this great canine personality, they were to insult him! For he was no ones and yet he was everyone’s. He had no one home and yet Tara was his home.

Dado touched all our hearts. He taught us how to care for an animal and taught us compassion. He too found his home in Tara just as all of us have

Dado always knew when one needed to be walked back home in the dark and he would only leave once you had entered the safety of your home. He knew he had to watch over the little ones each morning when they were to cross the road and wait for the school bus.

For over a decade that he had lived here he had celebrated every occasion and mourned ever loss with us. Each evening the badminton court wouldn’t be complete without Dado Bhai in the audience with a bark, growl or a tail wag thrown in at regular intervals to make his presence felt.

For years he guarded us from door to door salesmen and strays. And, yes he bit people, but after all he was just a Dog.

Many of you missed seeing him do his Dado dance for his adoptive mother Mini aunty, or how he would trot in a different way when he heard any of the members of the Dhingra family or when he saw Jo and knew she had got Paneer for him that day.

Dado wasn’t allowed to come to my door because of my beloved monster Dexter, but ever so often when Nani would step out of the house, Dado would walk up to say ‘hi’ to her. He was a gentleman after all.

Dado has been a good friend. He had heard of all our heartbreaks and every secret by quietly slipping into the place you’re and having a hushed conversation with your friends whether in person or on the phone.

Dado Bhai as I loved to call him would walk with me in the wee hours of the night across Tara when I couldn’t sleep in the night not to only to protect me but to keep me company. Every morning while I was at Tara, he would come to say good morning when I would step out for my first smoke of the day on the bench and have a chat.

I would sit for hours on end and talk to Dado Bhai about everything and anything and he always had patience and a ear for me. Whenever my friends asked they would ask the following “Hows Chikki, the cats, Dado Bhai and that monster Dexter.”, for my friends knew Dado Bhai and had been loved and snapped at by him.

I let you into a lesser known fact about him. He not only had a great social life in terms of hi huge family in Tara, but not many of you know he had steady girlfriend. For those of you who frequent the Alaknanda Market you may have noticed a brown coloured stray with a pleasant countenance roaming around. Well her name is ‘Billi’, she and Dado Bhai have been an ‘item’ for many years.

Many a nights you would have found Billi having sneaked into Tara ‘running around the trees’ with him. He would often go to see her in the market and fight with other dogs. But when he became old and sick, she used come to see him and sit with him the night.

Several people called and messaged me to tell me he had gone but somehow I am not sad. I am not sad because the last two years hadn’t been easy for him and suddenly he had aged. He wasn’t happy and he wasn’t loved that much anymore by some who used to love before.

But what saddens me is that with the death if Dado Bhai, the era of the old dogs of Tara too has ended. It all began with the death of our beloved dumb Doberman Brutus and then went our fiery little Tanya. Cuddles, the silent Dacshund who often hear Dado’s problems too went and then went the cute, over excited friend of Dado’s, the loving Simba.

Finally came the time just 2 months before his death for his last friend and sometimes companion my beloved Chikki to go too. His bond with Chikki was very odd. When Chikki had her heart attacks she wasn’t allowed to climb stairs and so Dado would come down to walk and talk with her. He would often wait for her and she would treat him like shit. Their relationship reminded me of the poets of the Victorian era and the whole concept of the courtly love tradition.

So I am not sad that he has gone, for he had become lonely and all his friends had left. All of us too had become busy with our work lives and the time we had for Dado had come down drastically. He felt lonely.

At the end all I wish for is that may his soul rest in peace in the midst of bones, paneer and milk in doggy heaven surrounded by his friends. All i request you to do is not to remember him for the bad things but remember him for the love and concern he bestowed on us.

My ambition

What is it that we want with life? What are ambitions and what are wants? How can one differentiate between a necessity and a need?

Life is short indeed, one minute you’re alive and the next minute you’re not. Yes that is life you would say to me and yes that is true… but what is it that makes life different for us from that of animals.

I sit here today realizing how I have wasted so many years of my life not really knowing what is it that I want to do. I have never really academically excelled in anything, even if I was very passionate about it. Have I achieved any goal or fulfilled any ambition I ever had, no I haven’t! Why you may ask? I do not have an answer myself, for I think I have lost track as to why there is not ambition of mine that I am yet to fulfill…

I know just one thing I wish I could, the one thing I want to do…. Write. All I want to do is spend each day, writing. I enjoy writing… I love writing… scribbling lines, making words come together to form poetry or prose. I wish I could just write. My ambition in life is to be able to write to make a living. I want to write everyday of my life.

Some years back someone told me about the Harvard Summer Writing program and I fell in love with the fact that something like that existed. I have wanted desperately to go for it, though I doubt my writing skills etc. but yes I would love to be able to go for something like that.

I know it isn’t possible in the near future and may never be but yes I want to go.

I want to write a book… too many ideas on the story float in my head and have penned a couple of those initial floating ideas down into chapters that some good editor would probably trash, but yes that is desperately want to do.

People who know of this ambition of mine, keep saying that I should, but only if my writing would sell right now and bring in money into my bank account I would.

I feel so lost. I feel so weirdly incomplete from the time I stopped writing 3 years back. I used write and nearly everyday, but I do not anymore. It’ lie to say I don’t get time or that I’m just too tired. I do not write because it reminds me of the deepest and most passionate ambition and need of mine that I have killed for reasons I am yet to understand.

May be a day will come when I will if nothing else be able to understand why I have stopped writing and may be find a solution. Till then writing adios!!!

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE?

WHY DO PEOPLE DIE? WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DIE YOUNG? IT WOULD BE EASIER IF THEY DIED ONCE THEY REACHED A RIPE OLD AGE COZ THEN YOU WOULD KNOW THAT THEY WERE THERE FOR A LONG TIME? WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE???

I DONT LIKE PEOPLE WHO DIE EARLIER THAN THEY ARE SUPPOSED TOO...'COZ PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM MISS THEM EVERYDAY AND ALL THE TIME...

IT'S NOT FAIR ON THE PEOPLE THEY LEAVE BEHIND...'COZ THEY CRY AND THEY MISS THEM AND WANT THEM TO RETURN BUT THEY DONT.... I WANT KJ TO COME BACK IF POSSIBLE...

I MISS KAVITA... I MISS HER EVERYDAY AND ALL THE TIME....